Anonymous Cafe

Step One – We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The question and answer below are from my first run through at working the steps with a sponsor.  Please note that only the question itself (in purple) is from the NA “Step Working Guide” while the answer (in red) is my personal response.  Only the questions (in purple) will be found in the NA “Step Working Guide” and when you work the steps for yourself you should formulate your own persnal answers and not strive to make your answers “match” anyone elses.  If there are similarities then so be it, but in order to recieve the full benefits recovery has to offer the work you do must be your own and the answers you find must come from your own heart.

·         What is it like when I’m obsessed with something?  Does my thinking follow a pattern?  Describe.

I know when I was in the thick of my addiction I was obsessed with drugs.  I guess my pattern was to get them as fast as I could and use them, but I didn’t want to use them fast.  I would try to make them last by doing smaller portions than everyone around me, but that really wasn’t satisfying.  I wanted to use large amounts at a time, but I hated the ways in which I obtained money to get the drugs (mainly prostituting), so I would try to stretch them out.   It really only served to keep me awake and wanting more.

Another obsession I had when doing drugs was my “ritual” of how I did them.  Everything had to be just so.  Once I was all set up I would go around the area one more time and make sure everything was “secure” as could be so I could get high in peace, but of course it was never a peaceful thing.  As soon as I did a hit I would think I heard something and, although I wasn’t the kind to start running around looking out windows, I would begin geeking in my own way.  Measuring and re-measuring my stash and going through my pockets over and over, so sure I had something else in them, but there never was.  It was a vicious cycle and I was caught in it for years.

Now that I’m in recovery I guess my biggest obsession still is having a place for everything and having everything in its place.  It drives me nuts to live in clutter and my husband is a clutter bug.  If I clean and completely clear off the kitchen table and desk it will only take him several days to fill it with clutter again.  This drives me nuts. 

I ask him to keep it clean, but he never does.  I ask him to clean it up and he says he will, but he never does.  Or, if he does, he doesn’t do a complete job.  There will always be a small pile of papers left that he will “go through later”, but he never does.  This drives me nuts!

I guess my pattern of behavior in this situation is to just give in and clean it myself (at least several times in a row) before I get agitated and start asking him to address it, or to at least have some respect for me when I take the time to clean and not mess everything up again.  He always says he’ll try, but he never succeeds.  This drives me nuts!

Then I get more agitated and I start nagging at him about it and eventually it becomes an argument.  Sometimes I stop cleaning for weeks at a time just to see how long it will take for him to do something about the mess, but it’s as if he is oblivious to it.  It doesn’t bother him at all and I end up with an even bigger mess to clean up.  This really drives me nuts!!

The thing is I don’t know why I continue to let it bother me.  I mean, it’s not like we’re just getting to know each other.  We’ve been together for years and I know this is how he is.  I guess I just keep hoping against hope that he will change when I know he won’t and it drives me nuts! 

This must be at least one form of obsession because I can’t seem to stop seeking a change in him that I know will never come (much like I couldn’t stop doing drugs); both of us are stuck in a “pattern” of behavior and expectation.  As much as I have grown and changed in recovery there are just some expectations/[obsessions] I have in life that I can’t seem to let go of.  I sure hope I learn how to not be obsessive before I go completely insane over dumb little stuff like this.

Christine C.  (me)

Step One – We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The question and answer below are from my first run through at working the steps with a sponsor.  Please note that only the question itself (in purple) is from the NA "Step Working Guide" while the answer (in red) is my personal response.  Only the questions (in purple) will be found in the NA "Step Working Guide" and when you work the steps for yourself you should formulate your own persnal answers and not strive to make your answers "match" anyone elses.  If there are similarities then so be it, but in order to recieve the full benefits recovery has to offer the work you do must be your own and the answers you find must come from your own heart. 

I have learned from listening to others share that reworking the steps throughout your recovery is not only recommended, but necessary.  Now, of course, there are those who do not agree with this and that is their right, (everyone’s recovery is their own), but I think [for myself] that it is a valid point that one should rework the steps from time to time.  It seems to serve as a good barometer [of sorts] of where you are in your recovery, your growth or stagnance (as the case may be) and lets you reflect on how recovery is  working in your life.

As I said above, this is an excerpt from my first run through.  I fully expect that when I feel it is time to work the steps again (or when my sponsor feels this way) that my responses will have changed a little, or maybe they will have changed drastically.  My best hope is to remain in recovery and see how this progresses over time.

The Disease of Addiction (p. 1, 2 of the NA “Step Working Guides”)

·         What does the disease of addiction mean to me?                                                         

To me the disease of addiction means so many things.  It means that I am sick with an illness that knows no cure, but that can be treated and put in remission.  It means that I will have this disease for the rest of my life and therefore must always be on my guard, ever wary and watchful for even the most subtle symptom to appear, often creeping in so that at first I am unaware of its presence. 

Well, actually, I’m not that far along yet.  I’m actually still quite early on in my recovery (15 months) and am more in the process of becoming aware of when my symptoms dissipate.  Oh, sure, they come back, but not subtly.  They come back with a vengeance, and quickly I might add.  In fact, they’re usually not gone long enough for me to celebrate their dispersion, but at least they are going away.

What exactly, you might ask, are these symptoms and how do I know they are going away?  Well, I count among my symptoms my anger issues, my resentments, my lack of lust for life, the suppression (or destruction) of my personality, obsessive/compulsive behaviors and my codependency issues.  I know that these symptoms of my disease are dissipating by the ways in which I respond to things.

 Things like my 5 year old son knocking over a cup of soda for example.  In the past I have responded in very inappropriate ways to this small mistake.  Ways that included yelling and screaming (at the top of my lungs) about what an idiot and little m.f. my child must be, perhaps followed by a spanking.

 I’m not perfect and never will be, but I respond to little things like that more and more frequently in more appropriate ways.  Ways like telling him that it’s okay and that I understand that it was just a mistake while I get him to help me clean it up.  

I know how horrible that sounds to those of you who have never behaved that way, and even to those of you who have, and I know that it is in fact horrible.  I know not only because I am the perpetrator of such behavior, but also because I was the victim of this same type of behavior during my own childhood. 

I always swore I would never become my mother, but despite all of my trying and praying and self loathing I have.  However, what I am doing differently than my mother is that, through NA, I am actively striving to change myself, my life and the lives of those I affect.

I believe that I am genetically predisposed to this affliction.  I also believe that I was exposed to the effects thereof  long before I ever knew or understood anything about drugs or the various types of abuse that I was being subjected to.  Now, I am somewhat educated about these things and I am gaining an understanding of and insight to myself, my past, my present and my future.

I understand that I can never change anyone other than myself.  I cannot make my mother/significant other/etc. love me.  I cannot undo the hurt that they inflicted upon and exposed me to. Nor can I change the past or undo the damages that I have created or suffered.

 I understand that the present is completely at my command, [aside from what others do that affects my life].  I still don’t always make the right decisions or best choices, but I know that anything that happens to me now is a direct result of my decisions and choices; including staying in my dysfunctional, codependent relationship and the results thereof. 

I also understand that the future, no matter how well I plan it, is at best a hope.  After all is said and done all I really have is today, and just for today I am going to live this day to the best of my ability.

Christine C. (me)