Everyones Recovery Is Their Own

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2025 by CunningChrisC

I recently noticed that I had a comment (about 5 years ago) on one of the blogs I started (about 17 years ago). It was from someone named Kim and went like this, “Where are the rest of the questions and your answers to the rest of step one? You stopped at question 3?”

Firstly, as I’ve said before, I’m a great procastinator. Secondly, “Helloooo, McFlyyyy…I’m an addict”. Thirdly, I’ll be 59 in nine days, and I was just recently diagnosed with ADHD or AADD or whatever it is. I don’t remember what exactly the doctor said because I wasn’t paying full attention. It was something along the lines of me having an attention deficit. Lastly, this was begun on a whim at a time when I was living in a new state, with a young child, a lousy husband, and no friends outside of NA, and thank God for them.

Back when I was in school autism and attention deficit disorders weren’t a widely understood, or even commonly discussed thing. When I became an adult I could never get a doctor to listen to me before in regard to getting anything to help me focus because I am, admittedly, an addict. I mean, I didn’t even consider that I may be on the spectrum or have one of these attention deficit disorders until I was in my thirties, and it wasn’t until after I got clean that I tried to get a diagnosis.

It took me over twenty years to get a doctor to listen to me. I guess they just thought I was looking for legal avenues to get speed. I gotta’ tell you though, these methamphetamines really do a wonderful job of allowing me to focus, but you must take them as prescribed. I do not recommend creative self dosing.

I am currently in school for IT (no agist comments from the peanut gallery, please), and I have never in my life been able to study and retain material at this level. If only I had been diagnosed earlier in life, maybe I never would have fallen into addiction in the first place.

Just doing the little bit of blogging I did about my step work was very difficult and time consuming. I don’t know if I will ever finish putting the step work in here, but I may. Only time will tell. However, what I do or do not do, should in no way effect what you do with your recovery. Don’t stop working your steps because I stopped providing you crib sheet material. Do your best. Be honest, especially with yourself, and above all…KEEP COMING BACK! Because it really will work if you work it, but you have to be ready, and you have to want it. Everynones’ recovery is their own.

By Christine C (me)

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Dedicated to Freddy S. of the Netherlands

Posted in Uncategorized on December 8, 2021 by CunningChrisC

I just want to say thank you to Freddy S. of the Netherlands for reminding me of my blog. Yes, it slips my mind. My mind and my thought processes are a mess these days. I have become very forgetful and easily overwhelmed by emotion. There are many reasons for this that I cannot currently discuss, but someday soon I hope to be able to unburden myself of them. The days run together and although I mean to keep up with things like this blog it just falls to the wayside more often than not because life keeps getting in the way. Ahhh, life, right Freddy?

Okay, now let’s get on with this post…

I went through sort of a long term “depression”.  I haven’t picked up though.  I think I am coming through the other side.  I have 13 years clean now.  It would have been 20, but as this is a program of honesty, and since the one it is most important to be honest with is myself, I must admit that I fell off once – even if it was only for a few days.  At first, I didn’t admit it to anyone, not even myself.  It was just too embarrassing, too shameful.  It took a lot of faking it until I really was making it, you know? 

There was a lot of me sitting at the back of the room in relapse row, as we call it here in the states.  Anyway, when I first started going to meetings it was in a rehab; very structured and organized and controlled by paid staff.  Then I “graduated” the rehab and went on to a half-way house.  That’s where I first started to attend “real” meetings, run by other recovering addicts.  

When I first started to attend meetings there weren’t very many NA meetings at all.  In fact, I can only recall one.  All the rest of the meetings were AA.  Many of the people in AA didn’t actually want to share their meetings with drug addicts, because they didn’t see alcohol the same way.  They didn’t consider it a drug because it was legal, and they didn’t want people addicted to crack, heroine, pills, weed, etc. to share at their meetings at all really. 

Many of my peers (fellow drug addicts), many of whom were cross addicted to drugs and alcohol were frustrated with going to these meetings, but had to per the court system.  They were frustrated because some of the AA folks would cut them off in the middle of sharing if they wandered into talking about drugs.  I found a way around that. 

I realized that it didn’t matter if you were drinking from a glass, smoking a crack pipe or a joint, popping pills or shooting up; you had to bend your elbow to do all of those things.  So, I advised everyone who wanted to share, heck, who NEEDED to share to just talk about bending their elbow without getting into the specifics of why they were bending their elbow – and it worked. 

The AA folks didn’t seem to mind if we shared in this way.  More importantly it allowed us addicts to unload what was waying us down.  It was so great when NA became more prevalent in America and addicts could share completely unfettered by this ridiculous bias.  Now-a-days, it seems like all of the Anonymous programs are on board with the idea that a drug is a drug is a drug, whether you drink it, smoke it, snort it, or shoot it.  In the end we are all friends of Bill W.  So keep coming back, friend.

By Christine C. (me)

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Happy Anniversary to ME!

Posted in Birthday's [Anniversaries] on October 1, 2010 by CunningChrisC
I apologize for not blogging for the last two weeks, but I have just been overwhelmingly busy trying to plan and organize this trip we are going on.  We really can’t afford to go, but my husbands eldest daughter is getting married and he has to be there to walk her down the aisle.  So, since we are going we thought we may as well get as much bang for our buck[s] as we can and we are going to make this our annual trip (which we didn’t go on last year because we couldn’t afford it). 
 
Unfortunately, our little guy, Carl, has started kindergarten and can not miss 3 weeks of school so he will not be going with us.  Fortunately, I have made a few good, trustworthy, reliable friends in recovery and one of them is going to stay at my house with her kids in order to take care of Carl, the dogs and the house.  Thanks Annette!  Gee, your swell!
 
First we are going to West Virginia so that Jim (my husband) can show me where he was born; then we are going on down to Florida to see my aunt Joanne (whom I have not seen in 15 years and Jim has never met); then we are going up to Delaware for the wedding and I will take a side trip to New Jersey to see some sorely missed friends while Jim visits others from DE; then we will head to up state New York to see Jim’s brother Carl and [hopefully] my other aunt, Mickey (she’s in her 90’s, but she travels a lot); and finally on the way home we will make one last pitstop in Ohio to see our friend Jay.
 
All of these stops have taken a lot of time, phone calls and effort to co-ordinate, but I’m hoping it will all be worth the effort and that we will be able to enjoy ourselves and not be exhausted from all of the driving.  Especially since we don’t know when we will be able to afford to take another trip [if ever].
 
We were going to leave today after Carl got home from school so we could say a proper goodbye to him, but then I realized that [yesterday] it was my 2 year anniversary in NA and there is no way I am going to miss getting my long awaited, black, multiple year key tag, my hugs and my props too, yo.  Dig it, dawg?!  So we will be attending the meeting tonight, coming home and resting for a few hours and then departing around 3 AM.
 
I gotta’ tell ya’….these anniversaries (birthdays) have become important to me, and not just my own either, but everybody’s.  Every anniversary that anyone in the program(s) is celebrating brings me a sense of joy and hope and renewed strength because, whether it’s a newcomer celebrating their first day or an old head celebrating 30 years, it continues to show me that this program works if you work it and all I have to do to work it is to not use. 
 
What could be simpler than that?  I mean it.  It really is as simple as it sounds and I have seen proof that it is possible.  I know several people who are going through some truly trying times right now and if anyone ever had a good "reason" to use it could be anyone of them and so far none of them have.  
 
One of those people is fairly new in recovery and she is the one going through the toughest stuff, the kind of stuff I would never wish on my worst enemy, and she is holding up by utilizing her sponsor and her support network, going to meetings, sharing and by just plain not picking up.  I hope she is one day able to be as proud of herself as I am right now. 
 
She may not realize it, but she is leading by example.  Leading not just those newer in recovery than herself, but also those who have come before her who may be struggling.  I can’t wait for her next anniversary so I can celebrate with her, but that doesn’t mean I will wait until then to encourage her to continue doing the next right thing.  I will encourage everyone to keep doing the next right thing as I strive to do so myself on a daily basis and hopefully we will all get to continue celebrating, not only our anniversaries, but everyday that we are granted.
 
I hope to attend some meetings while we are on the road because I know that even when we are home if I go more than a few days without one I feel as though I am somehow off kilter.  Which is a good thing [in a way] because it shows [me] that I am becoming more aware of the things that have an affect on me, no matter how small. 
 
Anyway, I certainly don’t want to be off kilter, especially on the road.  I need to continue to take the steps that enable me to remain clean and one of those steps is going to meetings.  "Which, we all know, are conveniently held at a venue near you wherever you may be", she said in her announcers voice.
 
Remember, it works if you live it & keep coming back!
 
Christine C.  (me)  
 
 

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Remember RIF?

Posted in Uncategorized on September 10, 2010 by CunningChrisC
fundamental, adj.  Pertaining to a foundation or basis; essential; primary:  n. a primary or essential principle; basis.
 
Does anyone remember RIF?  You know, reading is fundamental.  Well, I do.  It started in 1966 with a retired teacher in Washington, DC.  Now it’s in all 50 states, a few of our territories and several other locations and it helps poor/disadvantaged children to have access to books because reading is a fundamental part of the learning process.  My point is that someone realized that the ability to read is a valuable asset/resource and that the availability of books to help nurture this ability is essential.
 
For me NA (and AA, CA and all of the other anonymous and 12 step related programs out there)  is like RIF for recovering addicts in that they recognize the importance of literature on the topic of 12 step related programs to help nurture recovery.  Therefore, anyone seeking recovery who attends any of these types of meetings is never turned down for [available] literature they wish to have, but may not have the ability to pay for at the time.  The anonymous programs I am familiar with realize that there is nothing more effective than the power of one addict helping another and this is one of the many ways in which they do this.
 
Yes going to meetings, attaining and utilizing a sponsor and a support network and working on your steps [with a sponsor] are also essential, but to me reading is like nothing else.  When we [that are active in our recovery and our home groups and service work] provide reading material it may be what gets through to someone when nothing else can.  Or, it may be all that is available to a person seeking recovery. 
 
For instance, when I was in the general population of prison we didn’t have access to recovery related meetings (you had to be in the rehabilitation program to access that sort of thing), but every now and then we would get our hands on some recovery related reading material.  Whether the supervisor of the rehab program provided it to our unit (cell block) or some compassionate guard (perhaps themselves an addict) slipped it to us it was widely coveted.
 
Everyone in the unit wanted to have it in their cell to read and re-read at their leisure, but we knew we had to share otherwise someone would end up complaining to a guard, or there might even be a fight over it and then it would simply get taken away and none of us would have it.  No one wanted that. 
 
I think what made the books and literature so attractive to us was that there was something that each of us could identify with somewhere within the text.  No matter how different we purported to be we could all find common ground with something or someone in that literature and for some of us it was the first step on the road to recovery.
 
The other great thing about the literature is that it’s not just for addicts.  Even if the reader is not an addict they may identify with the situation/predicament that the writer is/was in.  I feel that the stories and messages delivered in the literature can be applied to many lives and used to help improve many situations, and (if nothing else) that someone may at least find a glimmer of hope that helps them carry on for one more day, and one more day, and one more day until they find their break through.
 
Christine C.  (me)

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Is My Life Serene

Posted in Poems on September 8, 2010 by CunningChrisC
The day draws to its end
and I’ve made it yet again.
Another day clean,
but is my life serene?
I live one day at a time, 
from month to month and check to check,
Always wondering what can I do
to help my family make it through.
I fret and I worry with really no need
Because I know if we just stay within our means
We will always succeed.
You see, I’m blessed in that my income is [somewhat] secure,
but I guess it’s just human nature that I’m always wanting more.
Not anything truly extravagant, mind you, but little things…
I’m sure you know what I’m saying.
I want my children to have everything that I didn’t
and if I did have "it" I want them to have it better.
It doesn’t have to be name brand, or fancy,
or perfect, or "just what I wanted to the letter".
Just little things……you know?
Like a pool for the kiddies. 
Not an indoor, in-ground, heated, olympic size pool,
but one of those ones they sell at ChinaLand (aka WallyWorld).
Or how about a swingset? 
Not a Gorilla or Rainbow swingset, but one off Craigslist. 
Heck, I had to search and search for weeks
before I found one I could afford
and just when I saved the money to buy it
ChinaLand finally came on board.
In the middle of summer
they deemed the season over
and put all related items on sale.
And now that the season is actually over
and I’m putting away that pool
I look around the garage and I must pause and exhale.
I see the walls lined with shelves
full of toys and stuff and things
I wonder what was I thinking when I bought them,
What joy did I think they’d bring.
I simply can’t remember now
Why it seemed so important then.
So, I quietly contemplate while I fold that pool
all the many blessings bestowed on this old fool.
I have a beautiful, healthy family and a husband that provides.
For fourteen years now he & I have stood by each others sides.
There has been good and bad,
and sickness and health,
and we’ve been richer and poorer,
but our true wealth……
Well, I suppose that lies in the ties that bind us together
Our children, our memories, the future we will weather.
And when I look at it that way
And when I remember to let go and let God
I can see that it’s all okay
And it isn’t really all that hard.
I’ve made it through another day clean
And yes my life is serene.
 
by Christine C.  (me)  09/08/2010

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Sick Day

Posted in Uncategorized on September 6, 2010 by CunningChrisC
Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days.  I have been sick with strep throat and every time I think it’s going away it pounces on me again. 
 
Saturday was the Peaceful Serenity picnic and I was really looking forward to going to that as it was going to be the first "larger"  N.A. event that I would have attended.  I’ve been to a couple of local functions that my home group and a couple of other home groups have hosted and that has been fun, but I heard that this was going to be big and a ton of fun. 
 
I was upset that I missed it because it seems that no matter how well I plan on doing something or how long in advance I prepare for an occasion something always seems to happen to screw it up.  Either I get sick, or someone in my immediate family gets sick, or something breaks that is costly to fix or replace and any money I had set aside dedicated to something ends up being used towards some "emergency". 
 
The up side of that is that at least I always have something to show for my money besides a cloud of smoke and if me or anyone in my family is sick it’s not because we are dope sick.  I owe the ability to be able to see an upside to being sick or not getting my way to N.A.  In days gone by being sick or not getting my way were great excuses to get high. 
 
Now I don’t look for excuses to justify as reasons to get high.  I just take things as they come and live in the moment one day at a time.
 
Christine C.  (me)

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I Remember When, Lord

Posted in Poems on September 1, 2010 by CunningChrisC

I remember when, Lord,

Your love I could not see.

You bade me come to thee, Lord

As I cried on hands and knees,

But for my sorrow I could not see

The lighted path beneath my feet.

Yes. I remember when, Lord.

I remember when…

My wounded heart cried out for help,

I wouldn’t take your hand, to spite myself.

Each tear I cried burned down my cheek,

But still, your name, I would not speak.

Yes.  I remember when, Lord.

I remember when…

My Bible lay on a dusty shelf

I felt as though I were living in hell.

Though I knew where I was I felt so lost.

My life of sin came at too high a cost.

Yes.  I remember when, Lord.

I remember when…

The last time I called your name in vain

And deep in my heart felt a dying pain.

With each new day I feel my faith grow stronger

As I strive to hold on a little bit longer,

But I remember when, Lord

And it wasn’t so long ago.

No.  It wasn’t so long ago.

by Christine C.  (me)            April, 2005

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Step One, Q.3, Pg.2 of the NA “Step Working Guide” – 1st run

Posted in Step Work on August 29, 2010 by CunningChrisC

Step One – We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The question and answer below are from my first run through at working the steps with a sponsor.  Please note that only the question itself (in purple) is from the NA “Step Working Guide” while the answer (in red) is my personal response.  Only the questions (in purple) will be found in the NA “Step Working Guide” and when you work the steps for yourself you should formulate your own persnal answers and not strive to make your answers “match” anyone elses.  If there are similarities then so be it, but in order to recieve the full benefits recovery has to offer the work you do must be your own and the answers you find must come from your own heart.

·         What is it like when I’m obsessed with something?  Does my thinking follow a pattern?  Describe.

I know when I was in the thick of my addiction I was obsessed with drugs.  I guess my pattern was to get them as fast as I could and use them, but I didn’t want to use them fast.  I would try to make them last by doing smaller portions than everyone around me, but that really wasn’t satisfying.  I wanted to use large amounts at a time, but I hated the ways in which I obtained money to get the drugs (mainly prostituting), so I would try to stretch them out.   It really only served to keep me awake and wanting more.

 

Another obsession I had when doing drugs was my “ritual” of how I did them.  Everything had to be just so.  Once I was all set up I would go around the area one more time and make sure everything was “secure” as could be so I could get high in peace, but of course it was never a peaceful thing.  As soon as I did a hit I would think I heard something and, although I wasn’t the kind to start running around looking out windows, I would begin geeking in my own way.  Measuring and re-measuring my stash and going through my pockets over and over, so sure I had something else in them, but there never was.  It was a vicious cycle and I was caught in it for years.

 

Now that I’m in recovery I guess my biggest obsession still is having a place for everything and having everything in its place.  It drives me nuts to live in clutter and my husband is a clutter bug.  If I clean and completely clear off the kitchen table and desk it will only take him several days to fill it with clutter again.  This drives me nuts. 

 

I ask him to keep it clean, but he never does.  I ask him to clean it up and he says he will, but he never does.  Or, if he does, he doesn’t do a complete job.  There will always be a small pile of papers left that he will “go through later”, but he never does.  This drives me nuts!

 

I guess my pattern of behavior in this situation is to just give in and clean it myself (at least several times in a row) before I get agitated and start asking him to address it, or to at least have some respect for me when I take the time to clean and not mess everything up again.  He always says he’ll try, but he never succeeds.  This drives me nuts!

 

Then I get more agitated and I start nagging at him about it and eventually it becomes an argument.  Sometimes I stop cleaning for weeks at a time just to see how long it will take for him to do something about the mess, but it’s as if he is oblivious to it.  It doesn’t bother him at all and I end up with an even bigger mess to clean up.  This really drives me nuts!!

 

The thing is I don’t know why I continue to let it bother me.  I mean, it’s not like we’re just getting to know each other.  We’ve been together for years and I know this is how he is.  I guess I just keep hoping against hope that he will change when I know he won’t and it drives me nuts! 

 

This must be at least one form of obsession because I can’t seem to stop seeking a change in him that I know will never come (much like I couldn’t stop doing drugs); both of us are stuck in a “pattern” of behavior and expectation.  As much as I have grown and changed in recovery there are just some expectations/[obsessions] I have in life that I can’t seem to let go of.  I sure hope I learn how to not be obsessive before I go completely insane over dumb little stuff like this.

Christine C.  (me)

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Hello Recovery by Christine C. (me)

Posted in Poems on August 25, 2010 by CunningChrisC

Hello Recovery

Goodbye insanity.

I’m kicking you to the curb.

I know when I’m feeling sane again

It will be superb.

Goodbye addiction.

I’m pushing you away.

I’m ready to use all of my tools

To make sure that gone you stay.

Goodbye frienemies.

Over is our acquaintance.

I’ve learned to set boundaries

And to practice patience.

Goodbye drugs.

I’ve learned to live without you.

Each day now is filled with hugs

To help me make it through.

Hello RECOVERY!

Open the door I’m coming in.

I’ve gathered up my toolbox

And I’m ready for life to begin!

 

 

by Christine C.  (me)

                                                                                     

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Step One, Q.2, Pg.2 of the NA “Step Working Guide” – 1st run

Posted in Step Work on August 20, 2010 by CunningChrisC

Step One – We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

 

The question and answer below are from my first run through at working the steps with a sponsor.  Please note that only the question itself (in purple) is from the NA "Step Working Guide" while the answer (in red) is my personal response.  Only the questions (in purple) will be found in the NA "Step Working Guide" and when you work the steps for yourself you should formulate your own persnal answers and not strive to make your answers "match" anyone elses.  If there are similarities then so be it, but in order to recieve the full benefits recovery has to offer the work you do must be your own and the answers you find must come from your own heart.

 

 

 

·         Has my disease been active recently?  In what way?                                                 

My disease is always with me and I believe it is always active.  It’s just not always noticeable.  You know, not at the forefront of my mind, but lingering in the background always ready to jump in and try to take the lead…. and believe you me from time to time it tries, sometimes passively, sometimes aggressively.

 

When I think of a passive attack of my addiction I think of the times when I may be in a situation where others are drinking or smoking a joint around me.  At first I think it’s not a problem, that it doesn’t affect me, but before long I get to thinking how I could have one beer or a couple of tokes.  Who would know?  What would it matter?  What harm could it do? 

 

After all, I’ve been in recovery for a while now.  Surely I could have just a little somethin’ somethin’ without falling back into the abyss of my addiction. 

 

Then I catch myself…..toying with that idea…..turning it over and over in my mind.  Suddenly I realize that the thought is becoming a desire and, if I succumb, eventually the desire will become consistent and persistent until it is a need, a hunger that cannot be satisfied.  After all, one is too many and a thousand is never enough, but so long as I catch myself and do not succumb I will be all right although the thoughts may still linger.

 

The passive attack creeps in slowly and subtly and takes me a moment to catch, but luckily, so far, I have caught it.  However, there is nothing subtle about an aggressive attack of my addiction. 

 

For me it usually comes in a using dream from which I wake with a pounding heart, skin cold and clammy or hot and sweating, reaching for the pipe I dropped as I awoke.  Once awake I can literally taste and smell the substance of my addiction.  For at least several moments I will actually feel the effects of the drug consumed in the dream and I will geek out; looking/feeling through the bed sheets for my lost gear and product.

 

Then I realize that my surroundings do not fit the surroundings of the dream.  I am not in an abandoned building, drug house or tenement hallway/stairway/elevator shaft.  I am in my nice, clean home wearing cozy, clean pajamas, surrounded by my many nice things; things which I have attained in recovery.

 

 For a moment I may be confused, but soon I realize it was just a dream.  Oh, but what a dream.  A dream that, to me, seemed so real and powerful I might have died from the rush of blood and adrenaline that coursed through me.  A dream that was so real I couldn’t wait to get another hit, and even after realizing it was just a dream that desire would not dissipate.  But, of course, over time it does dissipate.  Maybe it takes minutes or days, but it does go away as long as I don’t succumb to it.

 

Therefore, I find it most helpful to “out” myself in these instances; to share with another human being (perhaps my husband/loved one, my sponsor or a room full of addicts at a meeting) that which I have been thinking/feeling/experiencing.  It helps me get it off my chest, clear my mind and my conscience and often garners me a lot of helpful input, advice and information. 

 

In so doing certainly I help myself, but perhaps I also am helping someone else as I was helped by those before me.  Perhaps someone else will hear me share what they too are going through, but have been too aftaid to voice for fear that they will be judged.  I had those fears in the beginning, but as I continued to go to meetings and listen to others share their experience, strength and hope I learned to have courage and to seek my recovery (not just sobriety) as heartily as I would seek drugs.

 

Christine C.  (me)

 

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