Anonymous Cafe

·         Has my disease been active recently?  In what way?                                                 

My disease is always with me and I believe it is always active.  It’s just not always noticeable.  You know, not at the forefront of my mind, but lingering in the background always ready to jump in and try to take the lead…. and believe you me from time to time it tries, sometimes passively, sometimes aggressively.

When I think of a passive attack of my addiction I think of the times when I may be in a situation where others are drinking or smoking a joint around me.  At first I think it’s not a problem, that it doesn’t affect me, but before long I get to thinking how I could have one beer or a couple of tokes.  Who would know?  What would it matter?  What harm could it do? 

After all, I’ve been in recovery for a while now.  Surely I could have just a little somethin’ somethin’ without falling back into the abyss of my addiction. 

Then I catch myself…..toying with that idea…..turning it over and over in my mind.  Suddenly I realize that the thought is becoming a desire and, if I succumb, eventually the desire will become consistent and persistent until it is a need, a hunger that cannot be satisfied.  After all, one is too many and a thousand is never enough, but so long as I catch myself and do not succumb I will be all right although the thoughts may still linger.

The passive attack creeps in slowly and subtly and takes me a moment to catch, but luckily, so far, I have caught it.  However, there is nothing subtle about an aggressive attack of my addiction. 

For me it usually comes in a using dream from which I wake with a pounding heart, skin cold and clammy or hot and sweating, reaching for the pipe I dropped as I awoke.  Once awake I can literally taste and smell the substance of my addiction.  For at least several moments I will actually feel the effects of the drug consumed in the dream and I will geek out; looking/feeling through the bed sheets for my lost gear and product.

Then I realize that my surroundings do not fit the surroundings of the dream.  I am not in an abandoned building, drug house or tenement hallway/stairway/elevator shaft.  I am in my nice, clean home wearing cozy, clean pajamas, surrounded by my many nice things; things which I have attained in recovery.

 For a moment I may be confused, but soon I realize it was just a dream.  Oh, but what a dream.  A dream that, to me, seemed so real and powerful I might have died from the rush of blood and adrenaline that coursed through me.  A dream that was so real I couldn’t wait to get another hit, and even after realizing it was just a dream that desire would not dissipate.  But, of course, over time it does dissipate.  Maybe it takes minutes or days, but it does go away as long as I don’t succumb to it.

Therefore, I find it most helpful to “out” myself in these instances; to share with another human being (perhaps my husband/loved one, my sponsor or a room full of addicts at a meeting) that which I have been thinking/feeling/experiencing.  It helps me get it off my chest, clear my mind and my conscience and often garners me a lot of helpful input, advice and information. 

In so doing certainly I help myself, but perhaps I also am helping someone else as I was helped by those before me.  Perhaps someone else will hear me share what they too are going through, but have been too aftaid to voice for fear that they will be judged.  I had those fears in the beginning, but as I continued to go to meetings and listen to others share their experience, strength and hope I learned to have courage and to seek my recovery (not just sobriety) as heartily as I would seek drugs.

Christine C.  (me)